I can’t breathe. The air is coming in and out of my chest, but its’ not reaching my lungs…. I can’t breathe.
I had my first anxiety attack, not when my husband asked for a divorce out of the blue at Christmas. Not when I had to go back to a new country completely alone. Not when I found out he had started seeing someone and lied about it. No, it was when I started seeing someone, and he clearly liked me. Liked me to the point he was joking about marriage, kids, hiking together with a toddler on his shoulders. It had only been 2 weeks.
How did I end up here?
I wonder if a lot of people feel like that now. We are entering almost 1 year into a state of near constant lock down. Rainforest is being continuously cut down to make way to feed cattle. Plastic is flooding our oceans. And we are wiping out 150 species every day with our behaviour to the planet. I could go on a vegan rant, but I want to point you to something else, if you will indulge me.
Everyday we can examine our past. Have memories triggered by different things that occur. Regale people with a tale that impacted us. All of this is a story. And I love stories. I loved telling people about my ex- husband’s behaviour. The fact my Dad died and my mum had a climbing accident ending up in a wheelchair when I was a young teenager. And how this impacted me, and the life of those around me.
When I finally woke up, when I knew who I was without questions, it was because of the Magician. He wasn’t enlightened himself yet. But he kept poking me. If you know him personally, or have done his Final Transformation satsang, you will know what I’m talking about. He has an uncanny ability to know where you are stuck. And I was. I kept identifying to being a writer. I wanted to write love stories, fantasy stories, the story of how we even met. But this was drama right? Drama is wrong. I knew that! Saw all the drama from my ex- husband leaving me suddenly. The drama of being in school with everyone awkwardly staring at me, not knowing how to behave when my Dad died. And I hated that.
So how could I love movies, love writing different stories in my head every day. And hate drama. I couldn’t reconcile the two. And the Magician knew it. So he kept poking, over and over again. Not believing me, when I tried to squirrel out of his inquisitions. Until that was it. I was walking to work, puzzling away at this dilemma, again. Months on this question so far. How could I be both? And then it popped into my head. It actually doesn’t matter.
This is because it doesn’t. This was my final question. There was nothing that I needed to know. Nothing that I needed to understand. And that is it. It doesn’t matter how we got here. The journey isn’t relevant. There really is only now. So it doesn’t matter about your past, you don’t need to haunt yourselves with memories. There is nothing to do, you don’t need to forgive yourself. Whether you think of uncomfortable conversations you had, how people treated you, what is happening in the world that you can’t control. There is nothing you need to know with this. There is nothing you need to understand.
So how did we get here? Let’s just say it doesn’t matter. You’re here now. And if you want to be truly free from all of your stories, all of your painful thoughts, a life which isn’t playing out in the way you want… then get in touch! Because once you know who you are, you are free. And what else could you want?
Come to know the Light of Who you are, for There is Nothing Else to Know!
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